I know....I've fallen off the face of the Earth.
I've been in hiding....my heart has been beyond shattered.....and writing about it is literally like opening the wound of DEATH and reliving the trauma once again, which is why I've avoided it....there's just too much-it's still to fresh and bloody, a complete, disgusting, pathetic mess.
My live-in boyfriend of almost two years and I broke up about a week and a half ago. The man I called "my love," my best friend, my soul mate, the man I believed I'd MARRY....my HEART....a "part of me" broke up. It isn't just like deciding to part ways....in this specific situation it's like waking up one day and realizing, "OH SHIT....what do I do with the rest of my life now....when this person has been a part of ever detail that made up my EXISTENCE for two years....and beyond....every dream, every plan."
Let me just say when you have a "feeling" TRUST IT..... My Love and I had been fighting the last few weeks the way you do when you're a couple; he stopped coming home when he said he would, he stopped "showing up" emotionally, stopped making me feel valued...at all, started staying out till 3am....4am, without calling... there's only so much a "cool" girlfriend can do at that point and then she gets fucking angry..... we had a couple blow out fights, most of them he wasn't sober enough to probably remember and in all fairness, neither was I- because while I worried that he was out doing something heartbreaking and not giving a fuck, I was trying to convince myself otherwise with a glass (or 3) of pinot grigio. Everything about our relationship was a SOLID TEN; emotional, physical, sexual (hi, important!) moral, spiritual, family, dreams, EVERYTHING. We fought... but not like anything a "normal" couple doesn't experience... especially after two years of being together, living together and learning how to "coexist," work within each other's perimeter's and make the compromises necessary to sustain a relationship past the butterflies and the "getting to know each other phase."
We were beyond that phase- we were falling asleep without cuddling, peeing with the door open, admitting we liked the reruns of Full House and all that uncomfortable, slightly embarrassing stuff. The "stuff" that actually, inevitably, makes up the majority of a relationship...the"LIFE STUFF."
The day when I had "a feeling" that something wasn't right after a week of late nights and "distant eyes" (GIRLS, BEWARE OF THIS LOOK), ended up leading me to checking My Love's email- look, I wouldn't generally advise doing this, in fact, I'd never done it before- but I had a "FEELING" that I should.... and sure enough I found something he'd written about another woman, he deleted it before posting it.... but yet it remained all sordid and secretive in his "Trash." It stated some things like, "I wish I had you instead....I don't feel the way about you as I did about her..... you're magnificent...." etc. I mean, Honestly- I probably would have been happier walking in on them fucking like rabbits instead of reading this bullshit- there's no deeper betrayal, especially to a "word mincer" like I am to SAY, FEEL, AND THINK things that are EMOTIONALLY charged. Even though "nothing happened...." he said.
When I confronted him he denied it.... and when I showed evidence he cringed....he cringed because the truth is the woman he wrote about (who I happen to know) isn't NEARLY HALF of the woman I am, NOT BY A FUCKING LANDSLIDE....and in his drunken stupor he convinced himself to believe she was. And because truthfully, maybe I believe this, maybe foolishly....but I don't think he ACTUALLY meant it. I know he knows that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him.
What it comes down to... after a week of not speaking- after I kicked him out of our home... the home I still can't go back to because all that remains there are outlines of "US" and "HIM" is the fact that he got afraid. He got afraid of the (in his words) "marriage bound" relationship we were having....the one that HE suggested be marriage bound in the first place. He wants "freedom" and no one to answer to, late nights and recklessness. And in turn, he wants to lose me.
This is the same man that a month ago said he couldn't imagine his life without me.
I'VE NEVER BEEN SO BLINDSIDED IN MY LIFE.
In fact, this blog probably makes hardly any sense because I'm paraphrasing for the sake of my own SOUL to not actually crumble under the devastation I've experienced the last week.....writing about it, talking about it, tweeting about it- answering anyone and telling them what happened is all too fucking much to even go through.
The hardest part is that I miss the person I was planning a life with.
I miss the man than rolled over in the morning and called me "precious." The man who told me I was like a "limb," and that he couldn't live without me- the man who knew how I liked my bacon, who knew how to calm me and protect me....who was spiritually aligned with me....who left the cabinets open, who liked to watch late night TV and leave his socks in the cushions of our couch, who never finished his toast, and who almost ALWAYS inevitably would lose the keys when we needed them. Who's family I adored, who's sister I was excited for my children to call "auntie," who knew my deepest, darkest secrets and fears and who let me into his too- the man who I know more about than anyone else in the entire world.
I miss the man who let me sing to him, who let me dream and be "unrealistic," because he believed everything would work out for us eventually- the man who my family loved, who called me "vibrant," who suggested names for our future children and who got misty when I held a newborn baby in my arms, imagining what ours would someday be like and insisted that someday he would teach our "kids" to be good with their hands....and who told me I dressed just like a Poppy; spirited, colorful, unique. Who taught me the best way to chop garlic, who killed the spiders that crawled up from the drain while I showered, who knew my "triggers" and my spots.....
I miss the man who woke up every morning for the last year next to me and told me it was a beautiful day.....and who toasted to our "overwhelming success" every time we sipped a drink, or celebrated just BEING.
I miss my best friend, my heart, my dreamer.....the man who I pictured at the end of my aisle one day.
I'm literally beyond devastated. CRUSHED INTO NOTHING. Waking up hurts.
I don't know what happened........
I haven't written because I honestly, am just trying to figure out how to BE; how to walk, how to stand, how to EAT... how to get out of bed and go about your day without your "other half." I'm trying to figure out how you take a vision that seemed to "right" and so perfect and change it.... My life with him was exactly what I wanted- he would be my co-creator, my muse.... the person that encouraged me to take it to the next level and who would be there to catch me when I failed, or rocketed into abundant success. I didn't feel tied down by him, I felt like I'd found my person that would make up the 80% percent when all I could give was 20...and we'd make up for what the other one lacked, because we wanted to be strong for each other. I didn't want to tie him down, or suffocate him and until about two weeks ago he didn't think I was....I want him to flourish and prosper....I just wanted us to be able to do it together.
A week and a half ago we were talking about the first home we'd d buy together, the way the garden would look- the spiral staircase to my office, the wine cellar and the wood floors- and today, I'm at my parents house, with no home- my clothing packed in the back of my car, my heart torn out of my chest....my entire 2010 year abolished (we had a band together...the shows are cancelled, the recordings I'm not a part of....) literally, everything is DUST.
The best thing I can do at this point is wake up. Beyond that I'm spent...
HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH HEARTBREAK???